Tantrums (Ages 1-3): How to Stay Calm and Stay by Their Side

There are moments when you look at your child lying on the supermarket floor, crying and kicking, and cannot recognize the sweet little one who was laughing in your arms a minute ago. Tantrums leave many parents both exhausted and embarrassed. Yet most of the time, these tantrums are a sign not that you did something wrong but that your child is growing. This guide is based on recommendations from the NHS and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

Why do they happen? According to the NHS, toddlers want to express themselves but still find it hard. The frustration they feel spills out as a tantrum. The NHS says being tired, hungry or jealous, or needing time, attention and love, can also trigger a tantrum.

A normal stage of development: According to the NHS, tantrums usually start around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. The AAP notes that tantrums are most common between ages 1 and 3 and usually decrease after age 3. The NHS also says they are much less frequent by age 4. Some children have tantrums more often than others because of their temperament; this is normal too.

What can you do to prevent them? Recommendations from the AAP and the NHS:

• Know the triggers: if tantrums increase when they are hungry, carry a snack; if they increase when they are tired, make sleep and nap routines a priority.
• Offer small choices: instead of 'Do you want to get dressed?', non-yes-or-no options like 'Red or blue?' give your child a sense of control.
• Distract them: something outside the window, another toy or a song may work.
• Catch them being good and praise them, saying clearly what you liked.
• Keep grocery trips short and involve your child.
• Be consistent; the AAP says consistency reduces how intense and how frequent tantrums are.

Stay calm during a tantrum: The NHS reminds parents that getting angry or shouting back at your child will not end the tantrum. Take a deep breath. According to the AAP, ignoring tantrum behaviors that are not dangerous can help the tantrum fade on its own. Some parents find that holding their child firmly helps, especially when the child is more upset than angry.

Hold your limit, do not reward: The NHS recommends not changing your mind if you have said 'no'. Giving a bribe such as candy or a toy to stop a tantrum teaches your child that tantrums work. The AAP says that sometimes bending a little to regroup is also normal. What matters is that your overall approach is consistent.

Safety first: The AAP stresses that behaviors like hitting, kicking, biting or throwing things should not be ignored. If your child is doing something dangerous, like running toward the street, step in right away. The NHS also says hitting, biting and kicking are common in toddlers, but they should not be answered in the same way. Instead, try to teach your child other ways to show their feelings; the NHS notes that an open space like a park, where they can run and shout, may help.

No physical punishment: The AAP clearly recommends that parents not spank, hit, slap, threaten, humiliate or shame their child. According to the AAP, physical punishment increases aggression in children and can harm the parent-child relationship. Reinforcing positive behavior, setting limits and redirecting behavior are more effective approaches.

Reconnect after the tantrum: The AAP recommends coming back to your child with lots of warmth once the tantrum has passed. Hug them and speak in a calm voice. This lets your child feel loved even at their hardest moment. You may sometimes feel drained too; the AAP also recommends getting support and giving yourself a break when you need it.

Breath-holding spells: According to the AAP, some children, after one or two long cries during a moment of anger, fear or a sudden fall, hold their breath, their lips turn blue and they may briefly pass out. This is a reflex and happens in about 5 percent of healthy children. It usually starts between 6 months and 2 years and goes away by age 6. When they pass out, their body may stiffen briefly, and there may be a few twitches. Breathing usually starts again on its own in less than 1 minute. In a moment like this, lay your child on the floor, remove any food from their mouth and stay calm. Do not hold them upright, shake them or put anything in their mouth. Rescue breathing is not needed either. The AAP recommends giving a brief hug after the spell, going back to the daily routine and not giving in to their demands.

When to get support, when to call your local emergency number? If your child's behavior seriously worries you, talk to your family doctor or pediatrician. For breath-holding spells, the AAP recommends:

• If breathing does not return within 1 minute or you think their life is in danger, call your local emergency number right away.
• If they have trouble breathing after the spell ends, go to the emergency room right away.
• If it is the first breath-holding spell, your baby is under 6 months, they stayed passed out for more than 2 minutes when timed with a clock or they seem very sick, see a doctor the same day without waiting.
• If spells happen without a clear trigger, there are twitches during the spell, there is more than one spell a week or your child has never been seen by a doctor for them, make an appointment and talk to your doctor.

The AAP notes that frequent spells can sometimes be linked to iron-deficiency anemia; if your child is a picky eater, especially if they do not eat meat, tell your doctor.

Dear mom, tantrums are a passing phase. Your child shows you their feelings at their most intense because they trust you. Every moment you manage to stay calm, you are teaching them how to cope with their feelings. Show yourself the same kindness.